What do you represent?

Every day feels just as hard as the day before.  I don’t trust my husband not to get into this situation again.  He doesn’t understand the boundaries I think he needs, he doesn’t think about things the same way I do.  I don’t want to say it’s selfish, but at its core, it really is just that.  When I interact with people, I am not just thinking about myself.  I am thinking about how I am representing all of the things I am involved in.  My marriage is, of course, one of the first things I represent.  I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a Christian, I am a woman, etc…  There are things that are not obvious about a person when you first interact with them.  But, many of these things should become clear very quickly.

My husband and I talked, after all of this came out, about what is ok and what is not.  I gave some examples of “not” and he didn’t really agree with some of them.  He used one of my examples back at me and said “well, if so-and-so’s husband asked you to go have lunch or something, what would you say?” I would ask if “so-and-so” was going to be there.  And if not, what is the purpose of lunch?  Are we planning a surprise party for her? If so, who else will be a part of this planning committee?  I have no interest or need or purpose in going to lunch with a person of the opposite sex without at least one person of my gender in attendance as well.  At least one.

The thing is, in interactions with others, you have to be aware of yourself, and what you represent, as well as the other person and their intentions.  If you say something off the cuff or inviting or open, it can and will be taken that way.  Anything you say and do should be something that you would say or do with your spouse standing right next to you.  Also, consider how you would want your spouse to act in the same exact scenario.  Would you want her or him to make that joke, make that comment, linger on that eye contact, sit right there, etc? Or would you rather him or her show their pride in their relationship with you and their respect for who you are, both individually and as a couple, and do the right thing?

Don’t talk about your relationship in a negative manner to anyone of the opposite sex.  Don’t talk about your spouse in a negative manner to anyone of the opposite sex.  Don’t share intimate details about you or your relationship or your spouse with anyone of the opposite sex.  Speak positively and joyously about your spouse and your relationship. It will slam shut the door of opportunity for anyone looking to scoot in.  Be proud of your spouse, speak highly of them, say the things you like about them, and do all these things to their face as well as behind their back.  Love your spouse, out loud and loudly.  The more you think and speak positively, the more positively you will think and speak.

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Is this all a dream?

I know we are all different.  All of our circumstances are different. But, do you ever feel like you MUST be the only person in the world dealing with your exact set of issues?

I feel that way.  I know there are, unfortunately, a literal ton of women whose husbands have cheated.  And I am sure that some of those women have had the other woman contact a family member of theirs afterwards.  I am less sure that many women have had the other woman send an email to their husband and the other woman’s own father, listing all of her belongings, bank account info, life insurance info, and saying goodbye.  Even fewer women have had that same father hire a private investigator and have questions to answer from him.  And even fewer women, I hope, have heard back that the homicide department is now investigating the situation.

She’s killed herself.  At least that’s what I am led to believe.

And I feel guilty.  I read a blog she wrote about committing suicide and then another about her getting a gun.  I called the police and had them sent to her house to make sure she was ok.  I don’t know what happened because I called anonymously, but I can only imagine she said she was fine and they left.  That was 2 days before she killed herself.

How does a person move forward? How do I do anything more than exist? I didn’t care for her actions, but I never wished this end for her.  I tried. I prayed for better for her.  I hoped that her blogs were only words and not realities.  I reported her blog on wordpress for being suicidal.  I wanted someone to help her.  Should I have done more?

How is this my reality? How is this my life? I feel even more alone than ever.

Where am I?

What happened to me?  Where am I?  Who is this person currently occupying my body?  I don’t recognize her, her feelings, or her actions.  Where did I go?  Will I come back?  I feel like a void.  I feel like I should feel more, react differently, react at all.  I can see myself changing, becoming this person who currently has my name and my body.  But, I don’t want to be her.  I don’t want to do the things she is doing; snooping, prying, crying, yelling, accusing, suspecting, doubting, looking… I don’t want to feel the things that she is feeling; distrust, anger, panic, fear, insecurity, instability, weakness, shame, embarrassed, unsure, unstable, stupid, empty….

Where am I?  When will I come back?

Adage or cliché?

Every day is a new day.  I guess that is true at just the words.  Today is not yesterday and tomorrow will not be today.  But how new is each new day, really?  How much of today do you carry into tomorrow?  And what did you bring from yesterday into today?

I don’t think that any one day can be a new day.  I think that there are things that, no matter what, will carry over.  They may lessen in capacity or in meaning, but they are still there.  I think the “new day” idea is really more of a new month or even new year.  Where you make changes, either in attitude or behavior, over a period of time.  Then, after a length of time has passed, it becomes a new day, compared to the very first day of the effort made.

Unless you are a single, unemployed, childless, homeless individual, you cannot do everything different today than you did yesterday.  You still know the same people who expect the same person you have always been, you still have to treat your children (mostly) the same way you always have, you still have bills to pay and a job to go to.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that, to me, every day is not a new day.  Every day will still contain the mess of yesterday and that will carry into tomorrow.  Small things can change, but the end result will be over time, not just days.

Just make the best of today and hope for the pain of today to be less when you get to tomorrow.

What if it isn’t?

Today…. again, is a hard day.  I keep finding some sort of normal and then the rug gets pulled back out.  It’s like a brand new betrayal and my heart and stomach are twisted and pulled in knots.

Everything already happened.  Nothing new has happened.  But every single thing I see that I had not seen or read or heard before renews this trauma.  It feels so hopeless, so unending, so permanent.  I feel no hope.  I know it hasn’t been long, but it feels like I should be able to stop thinking about it all the time, every day. My kids say something, I see something on TV, husband says something, and I am triggered.  And I hate that word.  It makes me feel weak.  But that is the only word I know.  I snap back to the day I found out, the first day, the week later, and finally the week after that.  All the feelings, the shakes, the nausea, the inability to breathe or see clearly, the utter panic, it all sets in.

I can’t eat on days like today.  I force myself because I feel my body giving up on itself and I need to be able to make it through the day.  I have lost 13lbs in just over a month.  I have thrown up more times in the past month than I think I have my entire life, combined.  I have absolutely no words to express how it all feels. The words I use feel empty and false.  Pain, distress, trauma, panic, hollow, fear, insecure… all those words feel like calling the Atlantic Ocean a puddle.

I want to believe in tomorrow, but I worry…. What if it never gets better?

Covenant, not contract.

I am starting this blog without a title.  I am trying so hard to stay anonymous on here.  I want to post all of her information and all I know about her.  But, in the end it will expose me just as much as her.  She is crossing a line and I want to ruin her back, like she has ruined my life.  But, it sucks, because I am a good person.  And I want good things for people, no matter who they are or what they have done in life. I want to rip her face from her skull.  That’s the feeling deep down that I don’t really let surface.

One of my followers posted on her blog.  It sucks.  But the follower of me said what I want to say to her, too.  But mine would be a lot worse.

I started this blog as a way to get my feelings out and try to let some things go and it has helped.  But, I search the tag “affair” and find blogs of people who are currently in an affair or who are considering an affair.  I want to comment to them and tell them that what they are doing is the worst thing that they can do to a person who loves them as much as their spouse or other does.

Our therapist, as well as my pastor at my church, recently detailed how a marriage is a covenant and not a contract.  You should treat your spouse the same as you treat your kids.  You are in a covenant with your kids. If they don’t act right, you are not going to go and get another kid and play catch or go to the zoo with that kid.  You should feel the same way about your spouse and treat them accordingly.

Let that resonate for those of you who are currently considering or already in an affair.

 

Do you know what you did?

I want to ask her that.  Do you know what you really did?  I am fully aware that my husband did it, too.  But, do you really know what life is like after you?  I see your blog about how upset you are that your EX broke up with you and blah, blah, blah.  I want to feel bad for you, because I am a decent person, but I don’t.  The thing is that you will NEVER feel the way I do.  You will never hurt with the deepest, most painful, gut wrenching, heart crushing, soul ripping PAIN ever felt.

At least he has to look at it.  He watched me sob on the bed the night I first found the texts, which didn’t reveal the full truth.  He saw me crying in the shower and for the next few days trying to comprehend where I had gone wrong.  He saw me go bat-shit crazy the day I found the files on his computer.  You know what they were for.  He saw a side of me that I didn’t even know existed, much less him.  And the day that I found it all out, he listened and watched as I had a full blown panic attack.  Starting with the uncontrollable crying, then the hyperventilating, throwing up, and then back to hyperventilating.  I laid on the floor, feeling completely helpless and worthless and like I wanted to die.  He gets to witness my pain.  He gets to see what he did.  You, are clueless.

Do you know that my kids are not stupid?  They are probably smarter than you.  They know that Mom is falling apart and they know that Dad did something to cause it.  They are mad at him, too.  They have overheard things and they are putting things together.  They have lost respect for him.  My oldest wrote a note that asked, “when I was waiting at home, anxious to see you, waiting for you to come in the door, were you with her?”  If that doesn’t break your cold, black heart, nothing will.

You seem like the type that won’t even begin to understand any of this.  From things you have written, you cheated on your husbands in the past.  So, clearly you lack morals and values.

Anyway, this is where I am today.  Still, the blame is not all yours, but you knew he was married, and did what you did anyway.  I sincerely hope that karma gets you.  And for all that is good in this world, I hope you blog about it.