Hollow

Today, that is how I feel.  I have lost much of my identity, and that may be a good thing.  I’ve lived so long as “his wife” or as “so and so’s mom.”  I am still those things, but I have less of an identity in the wife one.  I failed.  I couldn’t manage to keep my husband at home.  What a loser!  And now I’m staying?!?! How pathetic.

I have 3 friends.  Seriously.  Three.  I don’t get along with people well because I am that rare breed of human that is honest.  To a fault.  I expect my friends to do the same.  I don’t talk behind someone’s back and I don’t listen to gossip.  I will tell you, tactfully and respectfully, if there is something that I need to talk to you about.  That’s another reason this is so difficult.  Husband and I had spoken many, many times about how we would avoid getting into this exact situation.  We talked about talking.  But I guess when it came down to it, he didn’t really care about our promises or vows.

We are seeing a counselor.  She’s given us some things to do at home.  One of them is a questionnaire that you ask each other the provided open ended questions.  They are numbered and we each take turns calling out a number and the other person asks that question.  My question recently was what do I look for in a friend.  Without hesitation, my answer was honesty.  Honesty and loyalty.  That is the deepest truth there is for me.  And to look my husband in the face and tell him that what I look for in a friend are the 2 things he couldn’t provide for me, it’s not easy.  I was done with the questions after that.

Who am I?  I really don’t like who I am currently.  I snoop, I pry, I am all the crazy, psycho, lunatic things that I was never before.  We had a relationship based on trust, and I trusted him because we talked about these things, repeatedly.  Now, there is no trust, only fear.  And crazy.  I am crazy now.  So maybe that is my new identity.