What if it isn’t?

Today…. again, is a hard day.  I keep finding some sort of normal and then the rug gets pulled back out.  It’s like a brand new betrayal and my heart and stomach are twisted and pulled in knots.

Everything already happened.  Nothing new has happened.  But every single thing I see that I had not seen or read or heard before renews this trauma.  It feels so hopeless, so unending, so permanent.  I feel no hope.  I know it hasn’t been long, but it feels like I should be able to stop thinking about it all the time, every day. My kids say something, I see something on TV, husband says something, and I am triggered.  And I hate that word.  It makes me feel weak.  But that is the only word I know.  I snap back to the day I found out, the first day, the week later, and finally the week after that.  All the feelings, the shakes, the nausea, the inability to breathe or see clearly, the utter panic, it all sets in.

I can’t eat on days like today.  I force myself because I feel my body giving up on itself and I need to be able to make it through the day.  I have lost 13lbs in just over a month.  I have thrown up more times in the past month than I think I have my entire life, combined.  I have absolutely no words to express how it all feels. The words I use feel empty and false.  Pain, distress, trauma, panic, hollow, fear, insecure… all those words feel like calling the Atlantic Ocean a puddle.

I want to believe in tomorrow, but I worry…. What if it never gets better?

Covenant, not contract.

I am starting this blog without a title.  I am trying so hard to stay anonymous on here.  I want to post all of her information and all I know about her.  But, in the end it will expose me just as much as her.  She is crossing a line and I want to ruin her back, like she has ruined my life.  But, it sucks, because I am a good person.  And I want good things for people, no matter who they are or what they have done in life. I want to rip her face from her skull.  That’s the feeling deep down that I don’t really let surface.

One of my followers posted on her blog.  It sucks.  But the follower of me said what I want to say to her, too.  But mine would be a lot worse.

I started this blog as a way to get my feelings out and try to let some things go and it has helped.  But, I search the tag “affair” and find blogs of people who are currently in an affair or who are considering an affair.  I want to comment to them and tell them that what they are doing is the worst thing that they can do to a person who loves them as much as their spouse or other does.

Our therapist, as well as my pastor at my church, recently detailed how a marriage is a covenant and not a contract.  You should treat your spouse the same as you treat your kids.  You are in a covenant with your kids. If they don’t act right, you are not going to go and get another kid and play catch or go to the zoo with that kid.  You should feel the same way about your spouse and treat them accordingly.

Let that resonate for those of you who are currently considering or already in an affair.