What do you represent?

Every day feels just as hard as the day before.  I don’t trust my husband not to get into this situation again.  He doesn’t understand the boundaries I think he needs, he doesn’t think about things the same way I do.  I don’t want to say it’s selfish, but at its core, it really is just that.  When I interact with people, I am not just thinking about myself.  I am thinking about how I am representing all of the things I am involved in.  My marriage is, of course, one of the first things I represent.  I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a Christian, I am a woman, etc…  There are things that are not obvious about a person when you first interact with them.  But, many of these things should become clear very quickly.

My husband and I talked, after all of this came out, about what is ok and what is not.  I gave some examples of “not” and he didn’t really agree with some of them.  He used one of my examples back at me and said “well, if so-and-so’s husband asked you to go have lunch or something, what would you say?” I would ask if “so-and-so” was going to be there.  And if not, what is the purpose of lunch?  Are we planning a surprise party for her? If so, who else will be a part of this planning committee?  I have no interest or need or purpose in going to lunch with a person of the opposite sex without at least one person of my gender in attendance as well.  At least one.

The thing is, in interactions with others, you have to be aware of yourself, and what you represent, as well as the other person and their intentions.  If you say something off the cuff or inviting or open, it can and will be taken that way.  Anything you say and do should be something that you would say or do with your spouse standing right next to you.  Also, consider how you would want your spouse to act in the same exact scenario.  Would you want her or him to make that joke, make that comment, linger on that eye contact, sit right there, etc? Or would you rather him or her show their pride in their relationship with you and their respect for who you are, both individually and as a couple, and do the right thing?

Don’t talk about your relationship in a negative manner to anyone of the opposite sex.  Don’t talk about your spouse in a negative manner to anyone of the opposite sex.  Don’t share intimate details about you or your relationship or your spouse with anyone of the opposite sex.  Speak positively and joyously about your spouse and your relationship. It will slam shut the door of opportunity for anyone looking to scoot in.  Be proud of your spouse, speak highly of them, say the things you like about them, and do all these things to their face as well as behind their back.  Love your spouse, out loud and loudly.  The more you think and speak positively, the more positively you will think and speak.

4 thoughts on “What do you represent?

  1. Excellent advice. Same goes with speaking to family about relationship issues. If you speak with your family before you speak with your spouse or you run and tell your family every gripe, you are sabotaging the relationship with your spouse whether you believe it or not. YOUR SPOUSE IS YOUR FAMILY – that’s Marriage 101.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. After being in this situation I think you’re making a very sound request. Don’t do dinner and lunch alone with another woman. If my wife told me that I would say “yeah that makes sense.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I set that boundary too.

    As for your last two paras, I again feel anomalous. Yes, it is easy for a person to scoot in, when someone sees a gap, but in my case the whore had an empty house, and a lonely guy. She did not need wife-downgrading to enter. She played on my husband’s loneliness.

    I just feel stumped some days.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think that my husband necessarily spoke badly about me, but I know for certain he wasn’t speaking about how lovely I am or how proud he is of me. I think that speaking positively about a spouse is just as powerful as speaking negatively. If my husband is proud of me as his wife and speaks highly of my accomplishments or feels lucky to have me, there is no open door. Wives need to do the same. Husbands should feel like their wives feel lucky and proud. I failed at that, which in no way excuses him. It’s something that needs to be worked on as a couple, as a team.

      Liked by 1 person

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