What if it isn’t?

Today…. again, is a hard day.  I keep finding some sort of normal and then the rug gets pulled back out.  It’s like a brand new betrayal and my heart and stomach are twisted and pulled in knots.

Everything already happened.  Nothing new has happened.  But every single thing I see that I had not seen or read or heard before renews this trauma.  It feels so hopeless, so unending, so permanent.  I feel no hope.  I know it hasn’t been long, but it feels like I should be able to stop thinking about it all the time, every day. My kids say something, I see something on TV, husband says something, and I am triggered.  And I hate that word.  It makes me feel weak.  But that is the only word I know.  I snap back to the day I found out, the first day, the week later, and finally the week after that.  All the feelings, the shakes, the nausea, the inability to breathe or see clearly, the utter panic, it all sets in.

I can’t eat on days like today.  I force myself because I feel my body giving up on itself and I need to be able to make it through the day.  I have lost 13lbs in just over a month.  I have thrown up more times in the past month than I think I have my entire life, combined.  I have absolutely no words to express how it all feels. The words I use feel empty and false.  Pain, distress, trauma, panic, hollow, fear, insecure… all those words feel like calling the Atlantic Ocean a puddle.

I want to believe in tomorrow, but I worry…. What if it never gets better?

Covenant, not contract.

I am starting this blog without a title.  I am trying so hard to stay anonymous on here.  I want to post all of her information and all I know about her.  But, in the end it will expose me just as much as her.  She is crossing a line and I want to ruin her back, like she has ruined my life.  But, it sucks, because I am a good person.  And I want good things for people, no matter who they are or what they have done in life. I want to rip her face from her skull.  That’s the feeling deep down that I don’t really let surface.

One of my followers posted on her blog.  It sucks.  But the follower of me said what I want to say to her, too.  But mine would be a lot worse.

I started this blog as a way to get my feelings out and try to let some things go and it has helped.  But, I search the tag “affair” and find blogs of people who are currently in an affair or who are considering an affair.  I want to comment to them and tell them that what they are doing is the worst thing that they can do to a person who loves them as much as their spouse or other does.

Our therapist, as well as my pastor at my church, recently detailed how a marriage is a covenant and not a contract.  You should treat your spouse the same as you treat your kids.  You are in a covenant with your kids. If they don’t act right, you are not going to go and get another kid and play catch or go to the zoo with that kid.  You should feel the same way about your spouse and treat them accordingly.

Let that resonate for those of you who are currently considering or already in an affair.

 

Do you know what you did?

I want to ask her that.  Do you know what you really did?  I am fully aware that my husband did it, too.  But, do you really know what life is like after you?  I see your blog about how upset you are that your EX broke up with you and blah, blah, blah.  I want to feel bad for you, because I am a decent person, but I don’t.  The thing is that you will NEVER feel the way I do.  You will never hurt with the deepest, most painful, gut wrenching, heart crushing, soul ripping PAIN ever felt.

At least he has to look at it.  He watched me sob on the bed the night I first found the texts, which didn’t reveal the full truth.  He saw me crying in the shower and for the next few days trying to comprehend where I had gone wrong.  He saw me go bat-shit crazy the day I found the files on his computer.  You know what they were for.  He saw a side of me that I didn’t even know existed, much less him.  And the day that I found it all out, he listened and watched as I had a full blown panic attack.  Starting with the uncontrollable crying, then the hyperventilating, throwing up, and then back to hyperventilating.  I laid on the floor, feeling completely helpless and worthless and like I wanted to die.  He gets to witness my pain.  He gets to see what he did.  You, are clueless.

Do you know that my kids are not stupid?  They are probably smarter than you.  They know that Mom is falling apart and they know that Dad did something to cause it.  They are mad at him, too.  They have overheard things and they are putting things together.  They have lost respect for him.  My oldest wrote a note that asked, “when I was waiting at home, anxious to see you, waiting for you to come in the door, were you with her?”  If that doesn’t break your cold, black heart, nothing will.

You seem like the type that won’t even begin to understand any of this.  From things you have written, you cheated on your husbands in the past.  So, clearly you lack morals and values.

Anyway, this is where I am today.  Still, the blame is not all yours, but you knew he was married, and did what you did anyway.  I sincerely hope that karma gets you.  And for all that is good in this world, I hope you blog about it.

Hollow

Today, that is how I feel.  I have lost much of my identity, and that may be a good thing.  I’ve lived so long as “his wife” or as “so and so’s mom.”  I am still those things, but I have less of an identity in the wife one.  I failed.  I couldn’t manage to keep my husband at home.  What a loser!  And now I’m staying?!?! How pathetic.

I have 3 friends.  Seriously.  Three.  I don’t get along with people well because I am that rare breed of human that is honest.  To a fault.  I expect my friends to do the same.  I don’t talk behind someone’s back and I don’t listen to gossip.  I will tell you, tactfully and respectfully, if there is something that I need to talk to you about.  That’s another reason this is so difficult.  Husband and I had spoken many, many times about how we would avoid getting into this exact situation.  We talked about talking.  But I guess when it came down to it, he didn’t really care about our promises or vows.

We are seeing a counselor.  She’s given us some things to do at home.  One of them is a questionnaire that you ask each other the provided open ended questions.  They are numbered and we each take turns calling out a number and the other person asks that question.  My question recently was what do I look for in a friend.  Without hesitation, my answer was honesty.  Honesty and loyalty.  That is the deepest truth there is for me.  And to look my husband in the face and tell him that what I look for in a friend are the 2 things he couldn’t provide for me, it’s not easy.  I was done with the questions after that.

Who am I?  I really don’t like who I am currently.  I snoop, I pry, I am all the crazy, psycho, lunatic things that I was never before.  We had a relationship based on trust, and I trusted him because we talked about these things, repeatedly.  Now, there is no trust, only fear.  And crazy.  I am crazy now.  So maybe that is my new identity.