UGH!

Today was another couples counseling session.  Sometimes they are easy, other times they are difficult.  Today was a challenge, but at the same time, I feel like I was heard.  Both by our counselor and by my husband.

I have spent a decent amount of recent years “taking one for the team.”  I didn’t want to cause disruption or anger or whatever, so I took it.  And I didn’t argue back, or stand up for myself, or speak up.  I just lived my life, unhappy, alone, lonely, insecure, feeling unloved.  I didn’t ask for change, or appreciation, or validation.  I just did what I should, as a mom and as a wife.  Kept the house clean, food made, clothes clean, kids full of manners, responsibility, healthy, and educated, animals cared for and clean, etc, etc, etc…

Today, I expressed that.  And I said many other things… My husband makes light of his relationship with his other (I haven’t settled on a name for this yet, AP, OW, whore…).  He says he didn’t love her, he never planned on leaving me, he didn’t intentionally do any of the things.  Which that last part, intentional, that is just complete bullshit!!  (all of those are bullshit)  He intentionally lied, created time, did things, didn’t do others, you ALL know what I mean.

I want to move forward.  I want to leave plenty in the past, as we really haven’t had a good marriage for many, many years.  Things are going as well as they really could be.  But, it seems like there are so many things that need to be addressed and acknowledged for me to feel validated.  I feel like I have been neglected and ignored for a very long time.

Anyway, I don’t know what this post is really about, other than to get some of this off my mind.

I hate this shit!!!  I am not strong enough for this crap.

Advertisements

Forgiveness??

How do you forgive someone when you don’t feel like they are sorry?

I am a Christian.  And, as a Christian, I am called to forgive.  Whether the other person is sorry, or not.  But, I don’t know how.  I know that forgiveness is a gift I give myself and blah, blah, blah.  How?  How do people truly forgive their spouse for an affair?  What if you don’t really feel like the offender is sorry, or regretful?  What if you just really don’t think that they understand the impact that their actions had on you?  What if they seem like they are sorry in the same way they would be sorry for stepping on your toe?

I feel like I have a virus, that is infecting every part of me. It’s making me sick, in all of my body, my mind, my heart, my soul.  My mental health has taken such a hit it’s scary to me.  My physical health is suffering.  I have constant pain in my neck and shoulders that can only be attributed to stress.  And my heart, is just broken…

I have no desire to forgive, but I feel like I am supposed to.  Why should I forgive?

Anyone have any tips or ideas or care to share where they are at on this one?

Value

I hate the way I fumble for words so often.

I want to write.  I want to talk about how I’m feeling, but I sound stupid.  I’ve read back over some of my previous blogs and I want to rewrite them or take them down.

I want to write about so many things, but my words fail me.  I want to write about how lonely I was for so many years.  I want to write about when I told him that I was lonely, when I told him I was unhappy, when I tried to tell him that I needed more from him.  But, the ability to write about these things with any eloquence at all escapes me.

I feel more frustrated than anything.  And today I am already angry.

I place too much of my own value in how the people I love feel about me.  I need the people I love to love me back and value me.  When I don’t feel love, I don’t value myself.

I guess I need to work on that.

When will it go away?

Some days I feel so empty.

I want to write about how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking, and the words are just not there.

I want me back.  I want to be able to remember things again.  Words.  When I’m trying to say things, and the words I want to use won’t come to me. Appointments. I have never been a person who uses my calendar on my phone to save events, but no, every single day I have something saved.  Call this person, print this paper, pick the kids up from school.  I still feel like I am in a fog.  Things feel slightly lighter, but my world still feels extremely small.

I just want it all to go away.  I just want it all to stop.  I hate every second of this feeling.

When will it go away?

What I want you to know…

I wish that you could understand the pain that I hide.  I wish that you could feel the anguish that I feel in my soul.

I look at you every day and I know that you have no idea what I am feeling.  When we talk about this, there is no way that you can even glimpse the depth of all of the hurt that envelops me, constantly.  Everything makes me think of the betrayal: places we go, words you say, holidays, events, EVERYTHING.  It’s exhausting trying to live each day with the outward appearance of being ok.  On the inside I am so torn apart, I feel like I am bleeding out, all of me.

I wonder how you could have done this to me.  How did you wake up each day and make the decision to do the things you did.  Kissing me goodbye in the morning and then going to her.  And you wonder why I feel so unsure about our interaction now.  I want to believe all of the things that you say and do.  But, deep down in me, my heart is still crying, wondering why, feeling abandoned.  I told you, for years, how I was feeling, and you didn’t seem to care, or you just weren’t listening.  I don’t know if you were too wrapped up in yourself or if you just didn’t care about me, or us, any more.

I feel like you don’t know me.  I feel like there is no way you could understand who I am, as a person and as a wife, and still do the things you did.  How could you love me and do what you did?  I just do not understand.

I hurt.  So much.  I cant put words to it, I don’t know that the words even exist.

When you say that you know what you did and that you don’t need me to keep telling you or bringing it up, it makes me see that you don’t know my pain or you just don’t care.  When I say “you did a really horrible thing to me” and you ask me how many times I am going to tell you that, and ask if I think you don’t already know that….. No, I don’t think you know.  I don’t think that you really know, or even care to know, exactly what you did.  It is so much more than the time and feelings that you shared with her.  It’s the time and feelings that it took away from me and our family.  It’s thinking back on the times that we shared, while you were in a loving relationship with her.  You cannot love two people at the same time.  You loved her, not me.  Where I was when I first found out, I can’t visit that place any more.  Places I know you went with her, I don’t want to visit those places.  Places WE went while you were in a relationship with her, I don’t want to go those places either.  I don’t want to think of the things we did while you were in a relationship with her.  Fathers day, our summer trip, first day of school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday… The list is so long.

Writing this makes me sick to my stomach. I need you to understand, more than anything, I need to feel like you know what you did to me.  And I don’t think you do.