What I want you to know…

I wish that you could understand the pain that I hide.  I wish that you could feel the anguish that I feel in my soul.

I look at you every day and I know that you have no idea what I am feeling.  When we talk about this, there is no way that you can even glimpse the depth of all of the hurt that envelops me, constantly.  Everything makes me think of the betrayal: places we go, words you say, holidays, events, EVERYTHING.  It’s exhausting trying to live each day with the outward appearance of being ok.  On the inside I am so torn apart, I feel like I am bleeding out, all of me.

I wonder how you could have done this to me.  How did you wake up each day and make the decision to do the things you did.  Kissing me goodbye in the morning and then going to her.  And you wonder why I feel so unsure about our interaction now.  I want to believe all of the things that you say and do.  But, deep down in me, my heart is still crying, wondering why, feeling abandoned.  I told you, for years, how I was feeling, and you didn’t seem to care, or you just weren’t listening.  I don’t know if you were too wrapped up in yourself or if you just didn’t care about me, or us, any more.

I feel like you don’t know me.  I feel like there is no way you could understand who I am, as a person and as a wife, and still do the things you did.  How could you love me and do what you did?  I just do not understand.

I hurt.  So much.  I cant put words to it, I don’t know that the words even exist.

When you say that you know what you did and that you don’t need me to keep telling you or bringing it up, it makes me see that you don’t know my pain or you just don’t care.  When I say “you did a really horrible thing to me” and you ask me how many times I am going to tell you that, and ask if I think you don’t already know that….. No, I don’t think you know.  I don’t think that you really know, or even care to know, exactly what you did.  It is so much more than the time and feelings that you shared with her.  It’s the time and feelings that it took away from me and our family.  It’s thinking back on the times that we shared, while you were in a loving relationship with her.  You cannot love two people at the same time.  You loved her, not me.  Where I was when I first found out, I can’t visit that place any more.  Places I know you went with her, I don’t want to visit those places.  Places WE went while you were in a relationship with her, I don’t want to go those places either.  I don’t want to think of the things we did while you were in a relationship with her.  Fathers day, our summer trip, first day of school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday… The list is so long.

Writing this makes me sick to my stomach. I need you to understand, more than anything, I need to feel like you know what you did to me.  And I don’t think you do.