I hate the way I fumble for words so often.

I want to write.  I want to talk about how I’m feeling, but I sound stupid.  I’ve read back over some of my previous blogs and I want to rewrite them or take them down.

I want to write about so many things, but my words fail me.  I want to write about how lonely I was for so many years.  I want to write about when I told him that I was lonely, when I told him I was unhappy, when I tried to tell him that I needed more from him.  But, the ability to write about these things with any eloquence at all escapes me.

I feel more frustrated than anything.  And today I am already angry.

I place too much of my own value in how the people I love feel about me.  I need the people I love to love me back and value me.  When I don’t feel love, I don’t value myself.

I guess I need to work on that.

2 thoughts on “Value

  1. (((Hugs))) to you. You don’t sound stupid. You sound hurt. How do any of us find the right words to describe pain and betrayal? What do we have to compare it to? Why should we have to? Pain isn’t eloquent. It is messy. And see, I can’t come up with the right word either because messy doesn’t really fit for what you are going through….. but I tried. And so did you and that has to count for something!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You do not sound stupid.

    I keep wanting to write so many things. But by the time, I do get down to writing, and have the time and space, I lose quite a bit of what was boiling inside me.

    None of your past writing is stupid.

    Do you feel devalued? Why wouldn’t you, or anyone else in this predicament feel? Being thrown under the bus for a free dick swing is demeaning, and deflating. I dont think you are wrong in feeling that.

    I have realized it too. I take my worth from what others ascribe for me. Not a good idea.


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