UGH!

Today was another couples counseling session.  Sometimes they are easy, other times they are difficult.  Today was a challenge, but at the same time, I feel like I was heard.  Both by our counselor and by my husband.

I have spent a decent amount of recent years “taking one for the team.”  I didn’t want to cause disruption or anger or whatever, so I took it.  And I didn’t argue back, or stand up for myself, or speak up.  I just lived my life, unhappy, alone, lonely, insecure, feeling unloved.  I didn’t ask for change, or appreciation, or validation.  I just did what I should, as a mom and as a wife.  Kept the house clean, food made, clothes clean, kids full of manners, responsibility, healthy, and educated, animals cared for and clean, etc, etc, etc…

Today, I expressed that.  And I said many other things… My husband makes light of his relationship with his other (I haven’t settled on a name for this yet, AP, OW, whore…).  He says he didn’t love her, he never planned on leaving me, he didn’t intentionally do any of the things.  Which that last part, intentional, that is just complete bullshit!!  (all of those are bullshit)  He intentionally lied, created time, did things, didn’t do others, you ALL know what I mean.

I want to move forward.  I want to leave plenty in the past, as we really haven’t had a good marriage for many, many years.  Things are going as well as they really could be.  But, it seems like there are so many things that need to be addressed and acknowledged for me to feel validated.  I feel like I have been neglected and ignored for a very long time.

Anyway, I don’t know what this post is really about, other than to get some of this off my mind.

I hate this shit!!!  I am not strong enough for this crap.