Today was another couples counseling session.  Sometimes they are easy, other times they are difficult.  Today was a challenge, but at the same time, I feel like I was heard.  Both by our counselor and by my husband.

I have spent a decent amount of recent years “taking one for the team.”  I didn’t want to cause disruption or anger or whatever, so I took it.  And I didn’t argue back, or stand up for myself, or speak up.  I just lived my life, unhappy, alone, lonely, insecure, feeling unloved.  I didn’t ask for change, or appreciation, or validation.  I just did what I should, as a mom and as a wife.  Kept the house clean, food made, clothes clean, kids full of manners, responsibility, healthy, and educated, animals cared for and clean, etc, etc, etc…

Today, I expressed that.  And I said many other things… My husband makes light of his relationship with his other (I haven’t settled on a name for this yet, AP, OW, whore…).  He says he didn’t love her, he never planned on leaving me, he didn’t intentionally do any of the things.  Which that last part, intentional, that is just complete bullshit!!  (all of those are bullshit)  He intentionally lied, created time, did things, didn’t do others, you ALL know what I mean.

I want to move forward.  I want to leave plenty in the past, as we really haven’t had a good marriage for many, many years.  Things are going as well as they really could be.  But, it seems like there are so many things that need to be addressed and acknowledged for me to feel validated.  I feel like I have been neglected and ignored for a very long time.

Anyway, I don’t know what this post is really about, other than to get some of this off my mind.

I hate this shit!!!  I am not strong enough for this crap.

3 thoughts on “UGH!

  1. Those were the exact words I was going to say, but I will repeat them anyway. You are strong enough. And when you’re not is when God will step in. Every time. He is your strength and your shield. My motto throughout my recovery “The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.” Psalm 28:7
    He has helped me and He will help you! (((Hugs))) You will be okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First I think this is great you are getting this off your chest. Open up and let him know what isn’t working for you. I think the best thing you can do is look at this like a new marriage. You finished your first one now what do you both want out of your second one. I’m guessing a lot of what you said today would be taken into account in this new marriage.

    Second, and this may sound trivial, but I do get what your husband is saying about intentional. I’m guessing the way he sees it is that he did not go out looking for an affair to get something on the side of his marriage. I’ll call that the push. Instead he found himself in it and for whatever reason it was appealing even though he wanted to keep his marriage. This was more of a pull. The first is like pushing away from the marriage and the second is being pulled from it. In the end the actions are the same, but how you get there is different.

    Overall I’m glad to hear you had a good counseling session and stood up for you. That’s really important. I’m glad he heard you.

    Liked by 1 person

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