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WTF??

I am away.  And previously, that was the time that my husband would spend with his AP. (Still haven’t settled on a title for her)  When I went out of town for a funeral, a wedding, a holiday, and a visit or two to my parents house.  Honestly, the funeral is the worst for me.  I may have covered this in a previous blog, but I am not sure.  My uncle died.  It was incredibly unexpected and hit me hard.  I had another uncle die, then my grandpa died, then this uncle died.  Both uncles were unexpected, but the second was very much so.  I held guilt because I had not seen him when I had a chance to, close to his passing. He was stubborn and private and in a condition that he didn’t want people to know about.  He asked my Grandma not to tell me that he was in a physical rehab center, because of what brought him there.  I did not want to cause turbulence between my uncle and Grandma and therefore, I did not go visit him on the trip.  Not too long after, he passed away, in the rehab center he was in.  I was so devastated.  I still am.  I found a card recently that my parents sent me (which I need to clarify is my dad and step-mom because this was my birth mother’s brother) with condolences and happy thoughts of my uncle’s good life lived.  The memory of his death is muddied with the knowledge that my husband’s girlfriend saw it as so fortuitous.  My uncle died and she celebrated my time away so that she could see my husband.  My husband KNEW how shattered I was by the loss and still he went to her instead of spending his time worrying about my mental well being.  I had, and HAVE still, so much guilt about not seeing my uncle when I had the opportunity.  I am crying as I write this.  I didn’t go see him.  I should have.

And yet, this guilt and mourning are overtaken by the thought of my husband, who should care for me above all others, running off to his girlfriend’s place and making things right with her and reassuring her of his commitment to her. (apparently she was upset that he wasn’t spending enough time with her)

Then there was the wedding.  My cousin got married close to a holiday (which one will reveal far too much I am afraid) and my husband celebrated the holiday early with his AP.  Because they are so happy and comfortable with each other and can be so silly with one another and it’s a time he will never forget.  At least that is what he wrote to her about it after it happened.  Yeah, she posted his messages to her on her facebook page before she committed suicide.  And I find it so completely tragic that she didn’t find more worth in herself than her relationship with someone who was married. (this sounds sarcastic as I read it back and it is not, at all)  I wish she didn’t make the final decision she made.  But I also wish that the pictures, text messages, and other various writings were not still available for our children to happen upon one day.

And of course we cannot forget the holidays.  I went out of town to visit family on the major holidays and he went and visited his AP.  I don’t really know how often he was at her place or how much time he really spent with her, but I do know he had a key to her apartment and spent plenty of time with her when I thought he was at work or when I just plain didn’t know where he was.

So, I say all that to get the thoughts out of my head.  Wondering who he is talking to, what he is doing, what his plan is, what his goals are, what he really wants from our marriage, why does he care now when he clearly didn’t before.

Is this just the easy way out?  This way he doesn’t have to tell family and friends that we are divorcing because he cheated, twice, one time worse than the other.  This way he doesn’t have to explain to the kids that he loved someone else more than all of us.  This way he doesn’t have to face what he did unless I bring it up.  He has no real punishment in this.  The punishment is all mine to bear.  He doesn’t experience the fear, insecurity, doubt, pain, suffering, self loathing, self hate, questioning, etc, that I do.  He KNOWS he could find someone else.  He knows he is good enough, not only for me, but for another woman.  He has no unsteady footing when it comes to knowing that someone can and will love him.  I am unloveable.  Not only did my husband not love me, but he rejected me and chose someone else.

I don’t know where I am going with this blog and I don’t know what I am trying to get out tonight.  I know that I am away, for the first time since D-Day and I am experiencing feelings of panic and doubt and insecurity, and I hate every second of it.  I didn’t do anything to deserve this.  I don’t want this and I didn’t ask for this, but this is my new life. This is who I am now.  And I hate who I have become.  I am a little child looking for the approval and reassurance of someone who has more power and more control over me.  And I hate it. He cheated on me and I all but begged him to stay.  Why do I not value myself more?  Why can’t I stand up for myself more?

I have told my husband for years and years (double digits here) that I was unhappy and that I needed more from him. And his response was always that he was fine.  My feelings didn’t matter while I was crying out to him for help.  And then he says I wasn’t paying him enough attention and he needed it from someone else.  When do I get my attention? When do I get what I have been begging for all this time?  When do I get to feel like someone loves me with their whole soul, their whole being? So much that when I am sad or down they would do whatever it takes to help me?

I helped my husband cheat on me, without knowing of course.  He was working “long hours” and was so tired when he came home that he would fall asleep on the couch as soon as he finished dinner.  I told the kids he was stressed from work when he was cranky.  I explained away his long hours when my daughter asked me why she hadn’t seen daddy in 3 days.  I made him dinner, (which he refused regularly) for when he came home late after we all already ate. I made sure he had clean clothes and tried my best for a clean house.  I didn’t iron his clothes and for some insanely stupid reason, I have guilt over that, too.

Anyway, I am babbling and getting all off track on everything I am writing here.  I have no focus and I am full of fear and I am hating what my life has become.  I just want to find my true self again.  I think I was a pretty good person.  I miss me.  I wish someone else missed me as much as I miss myself.