Am I worth it?

I want to write more often than I do, but I feel like a whiner, with the same subject all the time.  This has consumed my life.  It sucks.  I just want to feel better.  Things feel like they are falling back into the same routine as before.  I don’t really feel like my husband ever really felt the weight of this. I think that he knows I don’t have any financial stability without him and that there is no way I would make it on my own.  I think he knows I have no choices or options.  When all of this stuff was coming out, I told him, “Don’t let me find out in any other way that you were sleeping with her.  If you were, you need to be the one to tell me.  If I find out any other way, we are over.”

And then like a complete dipshit dumbass, when I found out, from her blog, I still didn’t make him leave.  He holds all the power and all the control.  He always says, “It’s not about power and you keep making it out to be a power struggle.”  But, I don’t.  I just know that I care so much more than he does.  Than he probably ever will, maybe more than he ever has. He walks around constantly like everything is fine, like there is nothing happening, and we are all just going to move forward as though he didn’t shatter our entire foundation as a family.  He is detached. He is not the man I married.

He bought me flowers one day, and about 2 weeks later he bought me a plant. Nothing since.  We have been trying to have “date days” on the days we have our counseling.  I have asked him repeatedly to plan something for those days.  He tried once, maybe twice, but it didn’t work for one reason or another.  But all the other, many date days, are just let’s eat lunch here and then go home.

I just want for him to put the same effort into keeping me as he did into being with her.  He planned, he lied, he woke up early, he made an effort.  I am not worth the effort, apparently.  An extra hug here, a hand held there, or a snuggle at bedtime are supposed to be enough.  That’s all I should need or want.  He’s so much more concerned with what he wants, than trying to understand what I want.  And, that’s how it’s always been.  When we didn’t have sex, for YEARS, he would grab my ass or my boobs and that was supposed to be foreplay or some type of turn on.  He didn’t touch me otherwise, no hand holding, no hugs, nothing.  But all he wanted was to grab me, like a piece of meat, and that was good enough for him, so it should be good enough for me.

I told him repeatedly that I needed more than that.  That I needed more interest than just grab ass in order to feel close enough or a connection enough to be willing to have sex with him. He didn’t hear me.  Just like when I told him for years that I was unhappy, or when I told him I was lonely, or when I told him I needed more from him in the relationship, or as a parent.  “No, I’m fine, so you are, too.”  That’s always been his stance.

I just want, for once in all these years, to feel like I matter. Like what I want is something that someone else wants for me. My value is lost, my worth is lost.  I just feel like no one cares enough to put me first.  Not even me.  I put everyone else first.  Even my husband…. Because I am a dipshit dumbass with no self worth or value.

I’m so sick of feeling this way.  I don’t want this life.

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2 thoughts on “Am I worth it?

  1. Please Please Please get a job. It is not the solution, but you have to fall out of his umbrella, and get some footing of your own.

    Years ago, when someone pointed out the flirtatious way my friend was talking to my husband, I brushed it off. I said that how the world talked to him wasn’t the concern. I would be more concerned to watch his response.

    Guess what, I am eating crow here too. He went out and did what he had to do, He is not out of the door, nor have I walked out. Such a soul crush.

    Sex was always the elephant in the room for us.

    Why was he able to be spontaneous with the whore, and you get the raw deal?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have so much I want to say, but I am sure you would stop reading somewhere along the way! So, I will start with you are NOT a dipshit dumbass. You matter. You are worthy. You are deserving of being loved, cherished, adored. And not only that, it is also God’s purpose and design in creating you and marriage.

    I agree that it would be beneficial to find a job if possible, or begin taking courses or training to make that possible. It is important to have your own independence, finances, and purpose outside your marriage so that money does not disproportionately influence the decisions you need to make. You may also find that a change in your behavior and patterns might shake up and scare your husband a little out of his own feelings of security in your commitment to him and the marriage. I found that my husband was watching me more closely than I realized, doing just what he had to do, but when I started doing things differently, he began to recognize he was losing control, the power was shifting, and it was a catalyst to him to change his behavior.

    As for dating, of course you want to feel pursued, and valued! Perhaps counselling day isn’t a very good time for a date? We would drive 1 ½ hours each way for our sessions, so often did eat out, but personally, with everything I was processing from the session, I wouldn’t have even wanted to have more of a date. My heart wouldn’t have been in it. Is it possible that could be happening with your husband? Maybe a different date day/night would bring you more of the results you need and desire? This would also have the strategic benefit of requiring him to focus on you and the marriage at another time of the week as well.

    I know how deeply painful and soul destroying a marriage without sex, hugs, and affection is. That was mine. I am sorry. (((Hugs))) to you, beautiful woman.

    Liked by 1 person

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