Every day I wait for the pain to go away.  I wonder if it ever will.  I haven’t even passed my year and my future looks bleak.

Even when I have good days, my mind is still bad.  I am foggy, slow, forgetful, fearful, worrisome, scared.  I have never been a person who was scared.  I have always been pretty confident, even if I lacked self esteem, I have always been out-spoken.  For myself, for my kids, for my family.

I hate who I am.  I really do.  I know, to an extent, that my husband is trying.  But, it never feels like enough.  He worshiped his whore.  Wrote blogs, and books, about her.  Left her love notes.  Told her how great and wonderful and perfect she was. His muse. What the fuck was I?  What the fuck am I?

I hate how we, as wives, fall into a role of only that.  I am his wife.  I am the one who cleans his clothes, writes his checks, rears his children, bares those scars, gains that baby weight, cleans his house, feeds the kids, drives the kids, waits at home, misses my life, hopes for the life I dreamed of, imagines the future, and then finds out the truth.  When do I get all the things I wanted?  He got the things he wanted.  He got the attention, the care, the sex, the life he wanted.  He just got all those things in 2 different places.  He didn’t give his attention to one, only to the other.  He didn’t value the sacrifice of one, only the slutty-ness of the other.  Where is my attention?  Where is my care?  Where is the person that will care for me when I am at my absolute lowest?  How am I supposed to be attractive to the one who didn’t want me when I was ok, when I am as far from ok as I will ever be?  Why the fuck to I care what he thinks?  Why?

Why do we care?  Why do we want to fix these relationships that they wanted no part of?  Why do we want the selfish, self-centered, egotistical, pathological liars, to care about us?  Why?  I really don’t understand.  I really don’t know why I want to stay.  It isn’t the first time he looked outside our marriage.  Why am I so disillusioned to believe it will be the last? I have changed for the worse, and I feel like he hasn’t changed at all.  What is different?

Our counselor says that I have to “live the marriage I want, even if it’s difficult.”  Right now, the marriage I want, is apparently to someone else.  I was living the marriage I wanted.  With a few hiccups that I felt would be resolved once the kids were older and out of the house, I thought I was moving forward with the marriage I wanted.  Things were not perfect, but you never hear that they should be.

I was the dutiful wife.  Make dinner.  Clean the house.  Rear the children. Clean the clothes.  Trust what he tells you.  Help with homework. Get the kids to school on time. Pick them up.  Make him happy.  Do all the things.  Do them alone.  Cry for help.  Be ignored.  Convince yourself that you are crazy. Question it all. Get no reply.  REPEAT.

I hate the cliche that I am. I understand suicide.  I would NEVER do it.  But, I understand the desperation of it.

The irony of this blog is that my husband LOVES to write.  He wrote all the time.  Even about HER.  His poor mother liked his blogs about HER without knowing what they were.  If she knew, it would break her heart.  But he won’t read mine.

There’s your devotion and change.

I hurt a deeper hurt than I have ever felt.

I want it to stop.  But it keeps on.  and on.  and on.

Please make it stop.  Someone tell me how to make it stop.  PLEASE.

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5 thoughts on “

  1. Right now your care comes from YOU! Only you can heal you. Your husband can’t do that for you. And honestly, your counsellor’s advice sounded horrible to me. Your focus shouldn’t be on “fixing” your marriage but on healing your pain. You used the words “our” counsellor. Do you have your own counsellor or do individual counselling? That is hugely beneficial, as compared to a marriage counsellor who focuses on the marriage rather than the hurting people in it. The pain can dissipate, and eventually disappear, but that requires change. For you to do something different. Shake things up. Things don’t seem to be working like they are. You matter. A lot. It’s time to believe that. (((Hugs)))

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  2. Cynthia is right. YOU MATTER! . The hurt is unbelievable and I think that to survive you must focus on healing you- as opposed to the marriage- first. Put you first and if this does not suit your husband that really does have to be his problem. Why do we stay? A huge multitude of reasons but ultimately we need to put us first and if that is not understood by our partners then there is little point in continuing with them. It is too hard a process to go through without the active support of the person who caused the indescribable hurt. Put you first.
    I wish you strength and resilience going forward. Kate xx

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  3. The pain is lunar. You will find that it ebbs and flows on its own.

    Is there a reparation? I do not know. If I would have found a solution, I would have used it already.

    I will tell you something though….”I am his wife. I am the one who cleans his clothes, writes his checks, rears his children, bares those scars, gains that baby weight, ….. When do I get all the things I wanted? He got the things he wanted. He got the attention, the care, the sex, the life he wanted. He just got all those things in 2 different places.” is a perfect depiction of the disillusionment that is there.

    Do you have a hobby? Something that can take your mind off the daily rut? Try to absorb yourself more in it. There is no crawling out of the rock otherwise.

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  4. I’m going through the same thing. I keep wondering when I will wake up feeling normal. The pain is so indescribable and you just want it to end. Everyday I ask how could this happen. The lies and deception haunt me all day. Trying to find forgiveness and make sense of this mess. Do I stay or should I leave? I just wish people would stop and think before getting involved with someone who is married. It causes so much pain and not just for me, but for my children. I cetainly hope you find peace. I’ve been searching for peace almost a year this month.

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  5. I have recently started reading your blog and so much of what you have written, could have been me! Especially the part about the OW being a muse. It absolutely devastated me that he wrote so much about or inspired by her and their secret relationship. My OH aspires to be a writer. He has even had some things published in magazines, websites etc. It totally pisses me off that she could inspire him in a way I never did. But, like you, I was always there, taking care if him, doing everything to ease his life, giving him all the time in the world…to look elsewhere for his excitement, apparently.
    https://fallingashblog.wordpress.com/2018/02/14/deleterious-deceitful-doggerel/

    Please start taking care of YOU. Find something to do outside the home, whether that is a job or something to enjoy for just you. If you start to care for yourself, it really does help. Take care hon. X

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