So, clearly I haven’t written in a long time. I think about writing and then I wonder if writing about all this makes me think about it or thinking about it makes me want to write about it.
Anyway, I still live day to day, wondering what different decisions could or maybe should have been made. I think about how my life would be different now if I made him leave. If I tried to just make it on my own. I didn’t have an income then. I do now, but it’s definitely not “raise a family on my own” kind of money. We spent many years putting money into an IRA for him, and a few bucks into one for me. His investment averaged $200 a month, while mine was $25. It was always very much a “his money” situation. I stopped working when we had our first child and didn’t return to working until our youngest started Kindergarten, 9 years later. Not having worked for so long, my prospects have always been minimal. Plus, add in that I am still the primary caregiver for the kids, getting them to and from school, sports, discipline, and most homework, and most dinners, I can’t really get a full-time, fully demanding job. I am currently an Executive Assistant. It pays well, but only I get around 26 hours a week. I recently had to put my son in extended day in order to get the hours I need in at work. That takes away $150 a month, so I end up making even less. It’s frustrating to think about how little hope I would have on my own.
My thoughts are so all over the place about what I want to say and get out and at the same time, I wonder how many women are on here, looking for hope of their own. You know, the ones who just found out or discovered and they are on here searching, much like I once was, for that hope. For that blog that talks about how “my husband cheated, I stayed and we are strong again, he shows me he loves me and knows that he made a mistake and although things are not perfect, he understands me and tries to be patient and giving in all ways.” The unicorns.
For me, things were so bad at first that I couldn’t see an end that made any sense or had any semblance of happiness. Things very slowly improved, and then we just fell back into the same routines as we were in before. And now, just like before, I tell him that I am unhappy, feeling lonely, or needing more, and just like before, it falls on deaf ears. “I will try” is what I get but nothing changes and no priority is placed on our relationship or our time together. He planned a date, and kept talking about how he was excited about it, but leading up to it, he couldn’t even be bothered to be nice to me. It’s like there is this one moment in time that I am going to be the things that I promised you I would be, but until and after that, I am going to be whatever I want.
Anyway, I am done for today. Maybe I’ll be back again soon. I am giving up on so much, maybe this will be one thing I give up forever, too.