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WTF??

I am away.  And previously, that was the time that my husband would spend with his AP. (Still haven’t settled on a title for her)  When I went out of town for a funeral, a wedding, a holiday, and a visit or two to my parents house.  Honestly, the funeral is the worst for me.  I may have covered this in a previous blog, but I am not sure.  My uncle died.  It was incredibly unexpected and hit me hard.  I had another uncle die, then my grandpa died, then this uncle died.  Both uncles were unexpected, but the second was very much so.  I held guilt because I had not seen him when I had a chance to, close to his passing. He was stubborn and private and in a condition that he didn’t want people to know about.  He asked my Grandma not to tell me that he was in a physical rehab center, because of what brought him there.  I did not want to cause turbulence between my uncle and Grandma and therefore, I did not go visit him on the trip.  Not too long after, he passed away, in the rehab center he was in.  I was so devastated.  I still am.  I found a card recently that my parents sent me (which I need to clarify is my dad and step-mom because this was my birth mother’s brother) with condolences and happy thoughts of my uncle’s good life lived.  The memory of his death is muddied with the knowledge that my husband’s girlfriend saw it as so fortuitous.  My uncle died and she celebrated my time away so that she could see my husband.  My husband KNEW how shattered I was by the loss and still he went to her instead of spending his time worrying about my mental well being.  I had, and HAVE still, so much guilt about not seeing my uncle when I had the opportunity.  I am crying as I write this.  I didn’t go see him.  I should have.

And yet, this guilt and mourning are overtaken by the thought of my husband, who should care for me above all others, running off to his girlfriend’s place and making things right with her and reassuring her of his commitment to her. (apparently she was upset that he wasn’t spending enough time with her)

Then there was the wedding.  My cousin got married close to a holiday (which one will reveal far too much I am afraid) and my husband celebrated the holiday early with his AP.  Because they are so happy and comfortable with each other and can be so silly with one another and it’s a time he will never forget.  At least that is what he wrote to her about it after it happened.  Yeah, she posted his messages to her on her facebook page before she committed suicide.  And I find it so completely tragic that she didn’t find more worth in herself than her relationship with someone who was married. (this sounds sarcastic as I read it back and it is not, at all)  I wish she didn’t make the final decision she made.  But I also wish that the pictures, text messages, and other various writings were not still available for our children to happen upon one day.

And of course we cannot forget the holidays.  I went out of town to visit family on the major holidays and he went and visited his AP.  I don’t really know how often he was at her place or how much time he really spent with her, but I do know he had a key to her apartment and spent plenty of time with her when I thought he was at work or when I just plain didn’t know where he was.

So, I say all that to get the thoughts out of my head.  Wondering who he is talking to, what he is doing, what his plan is, what his goals are, what he really wants from our marriage, why does he care now when he clearly didn’t before.

Is this just the easy way out?  This way he doesn’t have to tell family and friends that we are divorcing because he cheated, twice, one time worse than the other.  This way he doesn’t have to explain to the kids that he loved someone else more than all of us.  This way he doesn’t have to face what he did unless I bring it up.  He has no real punishment in this.  The punishment is all mine to bear.  He doesn’t experience the fear, insecurity, doubt, pain, suffering, self loathing, self hate, questioning, etc, that I do.  He KNOWS he could find someone else.  He knows he is good enough, not only for me, but for another woman.  He has no unsteady footing when it comes to knowing that someone can and will love him.  I am unloveable.  Not only did my husband not love me, but he rejected me and chose someone else.

I don’t know where I am going with this blog and I don’t know what I am trying to get out tonight.  I know that I am away, for the first time since D-Day and I am experiencing feelings of panic and doubt and insecurity, and I hate every second of it.  I didn’t do anything to deserve this.  I don’t want this and I didn’t ask for this, but this is my new life. This is who I am now.  And I hate who I have become.  I am a little child looking for the approval and reassurance of someone who has more power and more control over me.  And I hate it. He cheated on me and I all but begged him to stay.  Why do I not value myself more?  Why can’t I stand up for myself more?

I have told my husband for years and years (double digits here) that I was unhappy and that I needed more from him. And his response was always that he was fine.  My feelings didn’t matter while I was crying out to him for help.  And then he says I wasn’t paying him enough attention and he needed it from someone else.  When do I get my attention? When do I get what I have been begging for all this time?  When do I get to feel like someone loves me with their whole soul, their whole being? So much that when I am sad or down they would do whatever it takes to help me?

I helped my husband cheat on me, without knowing of course.  He was working “long hours” and was so tired when he came home that he would fall asleep on the couch as soon as he finished dinner.  I told the kids he was stressed from work when he was cranky.  I explained away his long hours when my daughter asked me why she hadn’t seen daddy in 3 days.  I made him dinner, (which he refused regularly) for when he came home late after we all already ate. I made sure he had clean clothes and tried my best for a clean house.  I didn’t iron his clothes and for some insanely stupid reason, I have guilt over that, too.

Anyway, I am babbling and getting all off track on everything I am writing here.  I have no focus and I am full of fear and I am hating what my life has become.  I just want to find my true self again.  I think I was a pretty good person.  I miss me.  I wish someone else missed me as much as I miss myself.

UGH!

Today was another couples counseling session.  Sometimes they are easy, other times they are difficult.  Today was a challenge, but at the same time, I feel like I was heard.  Both by our counselor and by my husband.

I have spent a decent amount of recent years “taking one for the team.”  I didn’t want to cause disruption or anger or whatever, so I took it.  And I didn’t argue back, or stand up for myself, or speak up.  I just lived my life, unhappy, alone, lonely, insecure, feeling unloved.  I didn’t ask for change, or appreciation, or validation.  I just did what I should, as a mom and as a wife.  Kept the house clean, food made, clothes clean, kids full of manners, responsibility, healthy, and educated, animals cared for and clean, etc, etc, etc…

Today, I expressed that.  And I said many other things… My husband makes light of his relationship with his other (I haven’t settled on a name for this yet, AP, OW, whore…).  He says he didn’t love her, he never planned on leaving me, he didn’t intentionally do any of the things.  Which that last part, intentional, that is just complete bullshit!!  (all of those are bullshit)  He intentionally lied, created time, did things, didn’t do others, you ALL know what I mean.

I want to move forward.  I want to leave plenty in the past, as we really haven’t had a good marriage for many, many years.  Things are going as well as they really could be.  But, it seems like there are so many things that need to be addressed and acknowledged for me to feel validated.  I feel like I have been neglected and ignored for a very long time.

Anyway, I don’t know what this post is really about, other than to get some of this off my mind.

I hate this shit!!!  I am not strong enough for this crap.

Forgiveness??

How do you forgive someone when you don’t feel like they are sorry?

I am a Christian.  And, as a Christian, I am called to forgive.  Whether the other person is sorry, or not.  But, I don’t know how.  I know that forgiveness is a gift I give myself and blah, blah, blah.  How?  How do people truly forgive their spouse for an affair?  What if you don’t really feel like the offender is sorry, or regretful?  What if you just really don’t think that they understand the impact that their actions had on you?  What if they seem like they are sorry in the same way they would be sorry for stepping on your toe?

I feel like I have a virus, that is infecting every part of me. It’s making me sick, in all of my body, my mind, my heart, my soul.  My mental health has taken such a hit it’s scary to me.  My physical health is suffering.  I have constant pain in my neck and shoulders that can only be attributed to stress.  And my heart, is just broken…

I have no desire to forgive, but I feel like I am supposed to.  Why should I forgive?

Anyone have any tips or ideas or care to share where they are at on this one?

Value

I hate the way I fumble for words so often.

I want to write.  I want to talk about how I’m feeling, but I sound stupid.  I’ve read back over some of my previous blogs and I want to rewrite them or take them down.

I want to write about so many things, but my words fail me.  I want to write about how lonely I was for so many years.  I want to write about when I told him that I was lonely, when I told him I was unhappy, when I tried to tell him that I needed more from him.  But, the ability to write about these things with any eloquence at all escapes me.

I feel more frustrated than anything.  And today I am already angry.

I place too much of my own value in how the people I love feel about me.  I need the people I love to love me back and value me.  When I don’t feel love, I don’t value myself.

I guess I need to work on that.

When will it go away?

Some days I feel so empty.

I want to write about how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking, and the words are just not there.

I want me back.  I want to be able to remember things again.  Words.  When I’m trying to say things, and the words I want to use won’t come to me. Appointments. I have never been a person who uses my calendar on my phone to save events, but no, every single day I have something saved.  Call this person, print this paper, pick the kids up from school.  I still feel like I am in a fog.  Things feel slightly lighter, but my world still feels extremely small.

I just want it all to go away.  I just want it all to stop.  I hate every second of this feeling.

When will it go away?

What I want you to know…

I wish that you could understand the pain that I hide.  I wish that you could feel the anguish that I feel in my soul.

I look at you every day and I know that you have no idea what I am feeling.  When we talk about this, there is no way that you can even glimpse the depth of all of the hurt that envelops me, constantly.  Everything makes me think of the betrayal: places we go, words you say, holidays, events, EVERYTHING.  It’s exhausting trying to live each day with the outward appearance of being ok.  On the inside I am so torn apart, I feel like I am bleeding out, all of me.

I wonder how you could have done this to me.  How did you wake up each day and make the decision to do the things you did.  Kissing me goodbye in the morning and then going to her.  And you wonder why I feel so unsure about our interaction now.  I want to believe all of the things that you say and do.  But, deep down in me, my heart is still crying, wondering why, feeling abandoned.  I told you, for years, how I was feeling, and you didn’t seem to care, or you just weren’t listening.  I don’t know if you were too wrapped up in yourself or if you just didn’t care about me, or us, any more.

I feel like you don’t know me.  I feel like there is no way you could understand who I am, as a person and as a wife, and still do the things you did.  How could you love me and do what you did?  I just do not understand.

I hurt.  So much.  I cant put words to it, I don’t know that the words even exist.

When you say that you know what you did and that you don’t need me to keep telling you or bringing it up, it makes me see that you don’t know my pain or you just don’t care.  When I say “you did a really horrible thing to me” and you ask me how many times I am going to tell you that, and ask if I think you don’t already know that….. No, I don’t think you know.  I don’t think that you really know, or even care to know, exactly what you did.  It is so much more than the time and feelings that you shared with her.  It’s the time and feelings that it took away from me and our family.  It’s thinking back on the times that we shared, while you were in a loving relationship with her.  You cannot love two people at the same time.  You loved her, not me.  Where I was when I first found out, I can’t visit that place any more.  Places I know you went with her, I don’t want to visit those places.  Places WE went while you were in a relationship with her, I don’t want to go those places either.  I don’t want to think of the things we did while you were in a relationship with her.  Fathers day, our summer trip, first day of school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday… The list is so long.

Writing this makes me sick to my stomach. I need you to understand, more than anything, I need to feel like you know what you did to me.  And I don’t think you do.