Every day I wait for the pain to go away.  I wonder if it ever will.  I haven’t even passed my year and my future looks bleak.

Even when I have good days, my mind is still bad.  I am foggy, slow, forgetful, fearful, worrisome, scared.  I have never been a person who was scared.  I have always been pretty confident, even if I lacked self esteem, I have always been out-spoken.  For myself, for my kids, for my family.

I hate who I am.  I really do.  I know, to an extent, that my husband is trying.  But, it never feels like enough.  He worshiped his whore.  Wrote blogs, and books, about her.  Left her love notes.  Told her how great and wonderful and perfect she was. His muse. What the fuck was I?  What the fuck am I?

I hate how we, as wives, fall into a role of only that.  I am his wife.  I am the one who cleans his clothes, writes his checks, rears his children, bares those scars, gains that baby weight, cleans his house, feeds the kids, drives the kids, waits at home, misses my life, hopes for the life I dreamed of, imagines the future, and then finds out the truth.  When do I get all the things I wanted?  He got the things he wanted.  He got the attention, the care, the sex, the life he wanted.  He just got all those things in 2 different places.  He didn’t give his attention to one, only to the other.  He didn’t value the sacrifice of one, only the slutty-ness of the other.  Where is my attention?  Where is my care?  Where is the person that will care for me when I am at my absolute lowest?  How am I supposed to be attractive to the one who didn’t want me when I was ok, when I am as far from ok as I will ever be?  Why the fuck to I care what he thinks?  Why?

Why do we care?  Why do we want to fix these relationships that they wanted no part of?  Why do we want the selfish, self-centered, egotistical, pathological liars, to care about us?  Why?  I really don’t understand.  I really don’t know why I want to stay.  It isn’t the first time he looked outside our marriage.  Why am I so disillusioned to believe it will be the last? I have changed for the worse, and I feel like he hasn’t changed at all.  What is different?

Our counselor says that I have to “live the marriage I want, even if it’s difficult.”  Right now, the marriage I want, is apparently to someone else.  I was living the marriage I wanted.  With a few hiccups that I felt would be resolved once the kids were older and out of the house, I thought I was moving forward with the marriage I wanted.  Things were not perfect, but you never hear that they should be.

I was the dutiful wife.  Make dinner.  Clean the house.  Rear the children. Clean the clothes.  Trust what he tells you.  Help with homework. Get the kids to school on time. Pick them up.  Make him happy.  Do all the things.  Do them alone.  Cry for help.  Be ignored.  Convince yourself that you are crazy. Question it all. Get no reply.  REPEAT.

I hate the cliche that I am. I understand suicide.  I would NEVER do it.  But, I understand the desperation of it.

The irony of this blog is that my husband LOVES to write.  He wrote all the time.  Even about HER.  His poor mother liked his blogs about HER without knowing what they were.  If she knew, it would break her heart.  But he won’t read mine.

There’s your devotion and change.

I hurt a deeper hurt than I have ever felt.

I want it to stop.  But it keeps on.  and on.  and on.

Please make it stop.  Someone tell me how to make it stop.  PLEASE.

Forgiveness??

How do you forgive someone when you don’t feel like they are sorry?

I am a Christian.  And, as a Christian, I am called to forgive.  Whether the other person is sorry, or not.  But, I don’t know how.  I know that forgiveness is a gift I give myself and blah, blah, blah.  How?  How do people truly forgive their spouse for an affair?  What if you don’t really feel like the offender is sorry, or regretful?  What if you just really don’t think that they understand the impact that their actions had on you?  What if they seem like they are sorry in the same way they would be sorry for stepping on your toe?

I feel like I have a virus, that is infecting every part of me. It’s making me sick, in all of my body, my mind, my heart, my soul.  My mental health has taken such a hit it’s scary to me.  My physical health is suffering.  I have constant pain in my neck and shoulders that can only be attributed to stress.  And my heart, is just broken…

I have no desire to forgive, but I feel like I am supposed to.  Why should I forgive?

Anyone have any tips or ideas or care to share where they are at on this one?

What do you represent?

Every day feels just as hard as the day before.  I don’t trust my husband not to get into this situation again.  He doesn’t understand the boundaries I think he needs, he doesn’t think about things the same way I do.  I don’t want to say it’s selfish, but at its core, it really is just that.  When I interact with people, I am not just thinking about myself.  I am thinking about how I am representing all of the things I am involved in.  My marriage is, of course, one of the first things I represent.  I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a Christian, I am a woman, etc…  There are things that are not obvious about a person when you first interact with them.  But, many of these things should become clear very quickly.

My husband and I talked, after all of this came out, about what is ok and what is not.  I gave some examples of “not” and he didn’t really agree with some of them.  He used one of my examples back at me and said “well, if so-and-so’s husband asked you to go have lunch or something, what would you say?” I would ask if “so-and-so” was going to be there.  And if not, what is the purpose of lunch?  Are we planning a surprise party for her? If so, who else will be a part of this planning committee?  I have no interest or need or purpose in going to lunch with a person of the opposite sex without at least one person of my gender in attendance as well.  At least one.

The thing is, in interactions with others, you have to be aware of yourself, and what you represent, as well as the other person and their intentions.  If you say something off the cuff or inviting or open, it can and will be taken that way.  Anything you say and do should be something that you would say or do with your spouse standing right next to you.  Also, consider how you would want your spouse to act in the same exact scenario.  Would you want her or him to make that joke, make that comment, linger on that eye contact, sit right there, etc? Or would you rather him or her show their pride in their relationship with you and their respect for who you are, both individually and as a couple, and do the right thing?

Don’t talk about your relationship in a negative manner to anyone of the opposite sex.  Don’t talk about your spouse in a negative manner to anyone of the opposite sex.  Don’t share intimate details about you or your relationship or your spouse with anyone of the opposite sex.  Speak positively and joyously about your spouse and your relationship. It will slam shut the door of opportunity for anyone looking to scoot in.  Be proud of your spouse, speak highly of them, say the things you like about them, and do all these things to their face as well as behind their back.  Love your spouse, out loud and loudly.  The more you think and speak positively, the more positively you will think and speak.

Is this all a dream?

I know we are all different.  All of our circumstances are different. But, do you ever feel like you MUST be the only person in the world dealing with your exact set of issues?

I feel that way.  I know there are, unfortunately, a literal ton of women whose husbands have cheated.  And I am sure that some of those women have had the other woman contact a family member of theirs afterwards.  I am less sure that many women have had the other woman send an email to their husband and the other woman’s own father, listing all of her belongings, bank account info, life insurance info, and saying goodbye.  Even fewer women have had that same father hire a private investigator and have questions to answer from him.  And even fewer women, I hope, have heard back that the homicide department is now investigating the situation.

She’s killed herself.  At least that’s what I am led to believe.

And I feel guilty.  I read a blog she wrote about committing suicide and then another about her getting a gun.  I called the police and had them sent to her house to make sure she was ok.  I don’t know what happened because I called anonymously, but I can only imagine she said she was fine and they left.  That was 2 days before she killed herself.

How does a person move forward? How do I do anything more than exist? I didn’t care for her actions, but I never wished this end for her.  I tried. I prayed for better for her.  I hoped that her blogs were only words and not realities.  I reported her blog on wordpress for being suicidal.  I wanted someone to help her.  Should I have done more?

How is this my reality? How is this my life? I feel even more alone than ever.